first thing i wanted to put on here was that i've got
a new song that i like:

oh yeah TWs from the video apply to all this if that means anything to anybody at all. anyways

maaaan, i don't mean to miss the meaning of it, because i do get what it's trying to say. anyways,
with that said.

i like, relate to it, but not in the depressing way it's meant? like, this sounds like the ideal life for me
even if i crash out and burn. rip to kasane teto but i'm built different

or like, to put it another way... i think it'd be worth it
to be something incredible? god that sounds
lame, but like...

ok, so to put it in the words of someone smarter than me, the late SOPHIE once said in an interview:

"I think all pop music should be about who can make the loudest, brightest thing. That to me, is an interesting challenge, musically and artistically. And I think its a very valid challenge - just as valid as who can be the most raw emotionally. I dont know why that is prioritized by a lot of people as something that's more valuable. The challenge I'm interested in being part of is who can use current technology, current images and people, to make the brightest, most intense, engaging thing."

and that's a concept i think about a lot; being the loudest, brightest thing. but less about what i make and more about the very essence of who i want to be, as a person... idgaf how fake it makes me sound, but presentation is all about that - how i present myself to the world, yeah? and i've decided that i want to be loud and intense and hard to look away from. if it can't be in a good way, at least make it entertaining.

so like, i hear this song about being fake and being anything but boring, even if the focus is on how much that sucks, i can't help but think... fuck yeah! like, all that would be worth it IMO if i could just dazzle people!

is that lowkey suicidal of me or what

idgaf either way. like i'm gonna die anyways, so what's the point of doing everything i can to cling onto my good health and youth and whatever other dumb shit? what'll it buy me, another decade or two of old age if everything goes right? the fuck is that good for? so i can die in a nursing home thinking about how boring my life was? i'd rather go out with a bang.

i know all that sounds depressing to other people, but i'm just saying it how it is. i take "emotional rawness" as a valid way of being loud and impactful. it's not depressing to me anyways, cuz i'm just explaining my way of thinking about life. it's not like i spend all my time thinking about how i'm gonna die. that's what other parts are for.

anyways yeah. that's what i came here to say. i'm willing to sacrifice anything to be entertaining. or would it be closer to say i'm willing to sacrifice anything to be entertainment? doesn't matter to me.

unrelated to all that, but yuppppp, i feel like you can tell that she was the one at the wheel for all that ^ with me saying what to write cuz the way she talks is super fuckin annoying. jk i don't mean that you're cool i guess ilyyyy. it's just hard for me to sit down and write about things without help cuz i like to feel stuff instead. especially if the feelings are good and sexyyyy. GOD i need to get laid.

girl it's fucking crazyyyyy cuz there's so much i want to do actually. can't wait for my arm to heal (i hope i get a huge hawt scar from it though) so i can get down to business. i have GOT to get my bellybutton pierced... learn how to rollerskate without eating shit! i need to go OUT and do my makeup and feel myself with my friends omfg it's been so long. it sucks i haven't felt like i've been around as much in part cuz it's sooo hard to take care of myself with this dumb cast and stupid surgery. i am NOT feeling myself when i'm out here sweating like a pig and getting all nasty and greasy!!!! FUCK